January 29, 2014

Dear Minister- Advice From Sean T. Page, Minister of Zombies

Zombie Survival – A View from the UK

Here in the UK we may be behind in many things – for example, we have only recently discovered the new musical genre known as “rap”. To date, we have no idea what is being said & some of it sounds damn saucy. Anyway, behind on many things yes but in terms of zombie survival we are ahead of the curve. Here at the Ministry of Zombies in London, we have been running an advice/agony aunt/paranoid helpline for many years so for this guest blog, we’ve dipped into the postbag for 2013 & read through a few we thought you might find interesting.

 Dear Ministry of Zombies,
I’ve just been to the supermarket & asked for a good anti-zombie spray. At first they just laughed but as I became more agitated, I was rather roughly ejected from the store. Searching online I noticed loads of anti-zombie products – can you recommended any ones? Some of my friends have bought a handy little spray – it smells a bit like cat turd but promises to keep the zombies away on the can.
-Shopaholic of Edinburgh

Dear Shopaholic,
As American singer J-Lo once said, ‘don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got!” To our knowledge, there are no effective anti-zombie products out there apart from classic survival gear such as a cricket bat or water bottle. There are no pellets, sprays or pills to either get rid of zombies or cure a zombie bite. We’ve included a selection of products which should be avoided at all costs below.
 -The Ministry

Dear Ministry of Zombies,
You may think this strange but I actually want the zombie apocalypse to start. I’ve completed every zombie video game out there & have packed my school bag full of supplies. I’m just sitting here in my bedroom waiting for the off. Any idea when things will start getting ‘frosty’!
-Bored Schoolboy of Folkestone

Dear Bored,
I do think you’re strange. Ravenous corpses roaming the streets, the end of civilisation, no more reality TV – these are things to be wished for young man. You must seize the day & start doing something more positive with your life. Please see attached a complete blueprint for survival – get these things sorted & then start doing other things. Becoming a zombie survivalist should not take more than 1-2 hours per day.
By all means, be prepared-- but don’t then lock yourself in the bedroom waiting for the zombies to turn up. No one knows when there will be an outbreak, so why not visit the delightful Roman period villa near to Folkestone or perhaps take a delightful promenade along the sea front as we all wait for the ‘big one’.
-The Ministry

Dear Ministry of Zombies,
Wot r da rulz around looting. The ways I see it I kann take wot I needz now so I is prepared for the dead-heads. I also wanna steal myself a set of wheels – any idea which car is best?
-Fingers of South-East London

Dear Fingers,
Well, ‘Fingers’ --if that is indeed your real name – stealing before a major outbreak is always wrong. However, once the zombies takeover, you may use ‘reasonable force’ to gather supplies providing they are not directly claimed by another survivor. There is a clear legal definition between foraging in an emergency situation & stealing from others. Please ensure you understand the difference & you may also want to acquire a dictionary or learn to use spell check. Finally, why not turn your enthusiasm for preparation into a project – maybe by creating a post-apocalyptic vehicle of your own. I have included a blueprint which might get you thinking.
-The Ministry

Dear Ministry of Zombies,
Why oh why is government money being wasted on funding your institution when we are all under such pressure to cut costs? Surely having a made up Ministry, offering vague & fantastical advice is something we can no longer afford – after all, we already have the Bank of England for that!
-City Worker of London

Dear City Worker,
You are a bounder & will doubtless be eaten in the first few hours of a zombie outbreak. You should update yourself on the science of zombiology as soon as possible. Also, you may be interested to know that the Ministry of Zombies has had budget cuts of more than 20% over the last year – meaning we had to cancel the Xmas party, chocolate biscuits have now been replaced by plain ones & we are seriously considering cutting down on the end of day rum ration.
-The Ministry

That’s all for the postbag for now. We get some strange queries here at the Ministry of Zombies.

If you have any questions, you can always email them in to: seantpage@ministryofzombies.com

The Ministry of Zombies has published the fully illustrated Zombie Survival Manual: From the dawn of time onwards (all variations).

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