July 1, 2014

Dear Minister- Advice From Sean T. Page, Minister of Zombies

Zombie Survival – A View from the UK 

Following the last post back in January, we’ve continued our work to support worried Britons as they prepare for inevitable arrival of the walking dead.  We’ve even had a few letters from our good cousins in the USA so we are happy to be able to include one of their queries in our postbag for this month. 

Interestingly, many of our communications from the New World come via ‘electronic mail’ which here at the Ministry we are now fully equipped to handle with our new microcomputer. In fact, we are just ‘emailing’ our bank details & pin numbers across to a very friendly gentleman from Nigeria who dropped us an ‘email’ out of the blue with an amazing opportunity. We’ll keep you posted on that one. 

For now, here is a selection from our postbag:

Dear Minister of Zombies,
I’ve just watched World War Z for the hundredth time & have a query about how to survive an outbreak as happened in the film.
I noted with interest that Brad Pitt’s hair was simply fantastic in most scenes. I don’t know if he conditions it or what but even during the action sequences, it was wavy vision of perfection.
What are your top tips for having perfect hair during a zombie apocalypse? Coconut & corpse shampoo? Bloody red streaks in the hair?
 --Vidal Sassoon Wannabe, London

Dear Wannabe,
You are a strange one aren’t you? All this talk of Brad Pitt’s hair is distracting you from the real issue. 

You must focus on core zombie survival training & not concern yourself with expensive shampoos or conditioners. You won’t have time to stay clean when the dead rise so get back to basics you beauty-obsessed nutcase. 

(By the way, our Hollywood contacts tell us that Brad Pitt’s hair has signed up to do another World War Z film & is also soon to take to the stage in the West Production of Chicago – worth keeping an eye out for tickets.)

Dear Minister of Zombies,
I live in the United States & I’ve gone more guns than I know what to do with. I got guns in the lounge. Guns in the bedroom. Guns in the bathroom. I can hardly get in the house now – too many guns.
So, I just wanted to say I feel for you all in the UK. You guys are going to be in a whole heap of trouble once the zombies arrive. Stay strong over there & if you can leave do. Just don’t all come to America – well, not all at once anyway.
--Gun-Freak, USA

Dear Gun-Freak USA,
Thanks for your electronic communication. We are happy that you have so many guns & thank you for the picture you also sent. Which is of guns. Lots of guns. It is true that we are up against here in the UK in terms of fire arms.
The Ministry of Zombies itself is licensed to hold a small cache of weapons which includes my Great-Grandfathers blunderbuss from World War One, a replica Samurai sword, a plastic Klingon bat’leth & a couple of sharpened sticks. We’re not kidding ourselves that we’ll be able to hold out for long with that lot.
However, remember that zombie survival is more than just fire arms. Don’t overlook your 90 day survival plan & always develop your survival skills. Guns aren’t the only solution but we are envious of your right to "bear arms."

Dear Minister of Zombies,
I think you do more harm than good with your boring posts.
Look, I’m happy to describe myself as a ‘karate man’. I’ve been training for over a decade now & reckon I could beat Chuck Norris if I caught him by surprise. Basically, I’m a hard nut & all your stuff just scares people who are unprepared.
Everyone should just take karate & be a karate man like me. From what I’ve seen zombies are slow anyway so it’ll be no problemo taking them all down.
--Hiyaaahh Karate Man,  Croydon

Dear Hiyaaahh Karate Man,
Firstly, our posts are not always boring. That one on the merging of Forms 455/HK/KLL (How to book a Ministry parking space) with Form 788/KL/JKK (The ordering of a new pencil) was an essential read for internal staff & received a lot of great feedback. 

Secondly, all martial arts are based on human opponents. They often make use of pressure points or locks. Many of the moves will not work on the undead & some of them will get you killed. 

Sure,  a flying kick will take down a lumbering zombie. If you catch a ghoul in a head lock, the creature will simply bite chomp down on your arm, taking a tasty chunk of flesh. We do not recommend hand to hand combat with the walking dead but if you have to, look to take them down & make your escape. 

You need to re-think your karate skills in a battle against the dead. By the way, we emailed Chuck Norris & he is happy to take you on – anytime.

Dear Minister of Zombies,
I’ve found a way to combine my hobby with my preparations for the zombie apocalypse ,but before I cover that I must congratulate you on that post about securing a Ministry parking space. Invaluable to me & my boyfriend & ordering pencils has never been easier.Anyhow, back onto my main point.
I enjoy comic books & plan to dress up as Catwoman the moment the walking dead appear. I will then prowl the streets protecting the innocent. I wanted my boyfriend to be Batman but he wants to be Spiderman. I’ve even made us matching utility belts.
--Trainee Catwoman

Dear Trainee Catwoman,
Spandex catsuits & zombies should not be mixed. An outfit like this would be madness during a zombie outbreak. It will offer you no bite protection at all & over the chaotic first weeks of the zombie war, will become a smelly & most impractical outfit.

Our advice is to forget the PVC & go for more robust army surplus gear. By all means, use the utility belt- but wear tough clothes like denim and a leather jacket. Leave the catsuit & whip at home.

That’s all for the postbag for this time. We get some strange queries here at the Ministry of Zombies but we try to answer every one!
If you have any questions, you can always email them in to: seantpage@ministryofzombies.com

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